Google

Following are some awesome things my roommates and I have googled in recent history. And yes, we do keep a list. We keep it in our "what the deuce is it?" basket. And yes, we do have one of those.

Anyways, stuff we google:

1. "pastel colored mints that you eat at baby showers and melt in your mouth"
2. "babies falling asleep on puppies"
3. "how to make plain brown rice more exciting"
4. "beating someone with a rusty hatchet Faulkner"
5. "song when you see annoying people in movie"
6. "worst Chinese singer ever"
7. "william turner emerging from ocean with bandanna and huge scar on his chest"
8. "does every diocese have an exorcist?"
9. "can you microwave a hotdog until it's cooked?"

Roommate Ruminations (Unrelated to chewing cud)

Today I have been productive.

I added the word "promulgate" to my list of favorite verbs. (This is a word document I've made that I use when I write papers in order to evade the "to be" plague... and to give my fiance another reason to make fun of me.)

I wrote my favorite names on a classroom chalkboard so as to see how they look in print. And so as to enjoy writing on a chalkboard.

I fried penne.

To reward myself after a hard day's work, I decided to write a post in honor of my roommate. Where to begin?

1. There was the time when I noticed her standing in front of the mirror with her mouth open. After enough time had elapsed, and she seemed no less entranced, I asked, "What are you doing?" She responded in a voice laced with wonder and profundity, "How does food fit down there?"

2. Her philosophical bent has manifested itself in a variety of ways. Once she pointed out, "You cannot marry yourself." This changed my life forever. So much for ever finding a perfect spouse.

3. She once googled "William Turner emerging from the ocean with a bandana and a huge scar on his chest." Enough said.

4. Perhaps by this point you may think she's a bit nutty. You ain't heard nothing yet: She actually thinks that Ben Barnes is more attractive than William Moseley. What. That's like saying a cat is because when up tree shiver to. There is seriously no logical coherence there.

5. It is (Now do you see why I need my favorite verbs word document?) also worth mentioning that she suggests wine as a substitute for milk in cereal.

Indeed, these briefs recognitions of the fascinating person that is my roommate cannot do her justice. Her awesomeness, grandeur, fuzzy-ducky-ness, and vast wisdom escape the confines of human language. I must abandon further attempts.

Furthermore, I have quoted her many times on sticky notes and posted them on my wall. Take that for what it's worth. Which by the way, is a lot. It's worth a lot.

I beseech you to duly note this. All of it.

What a Facebook "like" is worth

My list of numeric equivalences for Facebook status likes, based on a conversation with my boyfriend: 

Your significant other: 1 point. I mean, it's a given that they like you and how your brain works, right?

Someone you have literally never talked to in real life: 3 points. I mean, it's kind of up there, because it's cool that someone new likes your status, but it's still kind of creeperish, because they don't know you, so it can't be too high. But still very respectable. You have a bonding moment.

Someone who likes absolutely everything on facebook: 4 points. Maybe that seems high. But if you think it about, it means that your status is socially acceptable. If this person does not like your status, something is seriously wrong with you.

Someone of intimidating intellect: 6 points. Maybe you didn't mean to say something profound, but now a really smart person likes it so it must have been more awesome than you anticipated.

A professor or teacher: 10 points. This should be self-explanatory. Maybe it's my nerd side kicking in, but honestly, I think we all secretly like it when a professor likes our status.

Yourself: 0 points. It negates your status. Don't do it.

Someone who experienced with you whatever your status is about: 5 points. It legitimizes things.

Someone between the ages of 22 and 26: 7 points. It bolsters your self-esteem. Don't ask why; it just does. We all know it.

Someone artsy: 11 points. They have taste, so that means whatever you said is really good.

Any person of the opposite sex who is not related to you: 8 points. This is pretty decent. You know that they had to think about it first, because people worry about giving the wrong impression. So if they sat and thought about it and then decided it was worth liking, it's a good status.

So that is the list. Obviously this stuff really matters. Guys, think about how much your statuses are worth based on likes. Sometimes 5 likes can be worth more than 13. It's a weighted system. 


Dewly noted.

Why I love my job

I need to adopt the fervent passion of the subscribers of the publication for which I am employed. I've recently decided that their earnest desire to make their points clear is going to inspire many of my English papers this year. Let me provide you with examples of said fervor, which are generally sprawled across the fronts of returned envelopes:

1. "Take me off your mailing list!!!! This publication is a cancer spreading throughout this land!!! You have many victims, including my mind!! AWAY WITH YOU!!" (Yes, written in all caps)

2. "EVERY TIME I GET THIS, IT GOES IN THE TRASH." (Also all caps)

3. "If I get one more of these, I will sue you for harassment in the court of small appeals in Louisiana!!!"

4. "I wouldn't give dogs crap for this!!"

However, we do have equally enthusiastic fanatics:

1. "Don't ever stop sending this!! I have friends who need my information to save them! They are DEMOCRATS!!!! They need our help."

Ok, so the enthusiasm doesn't run as thick with the lovers of the publication...or least the examples aren't as frequent. Or perhaps I simply enjoy reading the hate mail more, and subconsciously skip over the words of appreciation?

Actually, the more I consider it, the more I believe that to be the case. There really are copious amounts of letters of support and donations. After all, the publication is becoming increasing popular and is generally held in high regard, and duly (dewly...) so.

However, (in my best Flynn Rider voice...) guys, I want more hate mail!

Things that make my boyfriend's eyes roll...and other such nonsense

This is a blog in which I intend to duly note interesting, awkward, and otherwise peculiar events that happen in my life. Please do not anticipate discovering the great profundity of Hannah, or finding a wealth of inspiration for your daily life. In fact, this blog will largely consist of anecdotes, puns, and lists. I love lists. If these do not appeal to you, I would avoid this blog at all costs.

I would like to begin a list at this very moment. This list is what I like to call "Things that make my boyfriend's eyes roll." I enjoy making his eyes roll more than almost anything else in the world.

Things That Make My Boyfriend's Eyes Roll:

1. I spent sometime at my boyfriend's house earlier this month. One evening at supper, I was struck with an opportunity to allow a pun to escape from my mouth. (Note the passive voice. I do not actively pursue such punnery. It just happens. It is not my fault.)  His mom was mentioning how she had not yet tackled a certain hake recipe. My immediate response was "Ha! Tackle! Fish!" Yes, my boyfriend's eyes rolled. Thankfully, his mom laughed. Whether it was out of sympathy, I do not know and do not wish to know.

2. The other evening, I was attempting to impress my boyfriend with my profound knowledge of the differences among meteors, meteorites, and meteoroids. However, somewhere along the way, I (shockingly) erred. I then proceeded to exclaim, "Ha! I was meteorWRONG about meteorRIGHTS." An eye-roll followed shortly thereafter.

3. I won't even go into the time I tried to explain the title of my blog to him.... But, I'm sure that is causing many eyes to roll. Not just his.

I suppose I should begin to keep my brilliant puns to myself.

Dewly noted.

Or not....